Relapse is a part of recovery

(Source: dopeasfuckkk)

I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. I don’t know if anyone has really even noticed.

I’ve been working through a lot of my stuff. Its really hard. My school work has been piling on me and my life feels like I’m going to snap. I decided not to be a resident advisor next year, because if you know me you know that I do way too much around campus. Everytime someone asked me why I wasn’t going to be an RA, I honestly told them it was so I had time to take care of myself.

This is one of the first decisions I have ever made for myself. 

I have always been wanting to make people happy. I came to college, because my parents wanted me to. I become an RA to prove my roommate that I could do it. I do all the stuff with LGBTS because I feel like they need me (which isnt always a bad thing). I am trying so hard for education club to make my advisor proud. I didn’t take my medicine for a while, because Jay doesn’t like medicine. There are plenty more, but there’s some.

What is crazy is that I enjoy doing most of these things, others I just feel conflicted about. Just because I enjoy it doesn’t mean I can physically bring myself to do it.

I got reevaluated on Monday. It is confirmed that I have bipolar disorder, with depression and anxiety problems. I went from taking one 10 mg lexapro in the morning to now taking 10 1/5 mg lexapro pill, 5 mg abilify and half of .5 of an antianexity pill that starts with a k that I need to take three times a day. Forget the name. I guess the fact that I need to take something three times a day makes me nervous.

I’m just nervous. I’m just tired.

My body isn’t getting used to these too well. I have the hiccups all the time, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it, it just makes me queasy. Meh. I also have to get counseling. I’m suicidal, but I’ve been able to ignore it a little better lately. Its still difficult, what is really getting to me is this constant paranoia that I’m doing something wrong. 

Is it crazy that I need to hear that I’m not crazy?

Whatever, I don’t care. I feel great about myself.

Good night!